I have these dumb insecurities.
Mostly they have to do with how I fail and almost everything is really my fault. It’s performer-type stuff. And it can be paralyzing. Sometimes I turn to thinking about how I was wrong, how I am wrong, how I can be better and why wasn’t I better? It’s heart hurt type stuff and it doesn’t matter how many rational conversations I have about what’s really true. I keep coming back to the same broken, splintered table.
And then my performer heart graduates to my Pharisee heart and I’m so completely frustrated with myself for being back at the broken table. I shouldn’t struggle so. Freedom is available. Maybe I’m too messed up to feast on it? It’s my fault. Again. I end with a whispered apology to God for how broken I am. How much I miss it. How often I have to ask again.
And then I guess you already know that tears follow.
All the while my hope is being swiped from underneath me.
This year I promised to make my girl a Dorothy costume. I was cutting the various and sundry pieces, all sprawled out on the floor. I was probably grumbly and a little stern looking.
She wandered through the room: “Mama? I’m sorry I asked for such a complicated costume.”
I took her little face in mine, my breath almost gone: ”Don’t you ever apologize for asking me for something. Ever.”
Daughters don’t apologize. Not for needing their Abba Father. Even if they have to ask again for the millionth time and they should really be free by now. Even if they have to surrender again and again and again.
Daughters rest in the truth that He has said, “Come to me.” He has invited, “Ask.” He has said, “Seek.” He wants our broken bits and all and it is His joy to hear us whisper our insecurities and our fears and our need for change with tender hearts.
If we’re going to live like Daughters we’ve got to understand this: Grace means it’s ok to not be ok. It’s not ok to stay that way but it’s ok to come to Him broken. It is God’s joy to meet us in our need.
Hope isn’t snuffed out in our need. It LIVES there. It GROWS there. It GAINS STRENGTH there.