You guys leave the best comments. I want you to know that. The last time I posted about this journey of mine, I was so touched by how you took up arms with me. Every time I sat down to respond it was time to go to another end of the school year function. But. I want you to know how thankful I am for you.

Did you know that I hate to talk about this subject? I H.A.T.E. it There are lots of reasons but mostly it’s because I’m afraid of what you think of me. Maybe you think it’s about time. Maybe you think I’ll always fail. Maybe you think I’m not working hard enough.

Yesterday morning was a hard heart morning. I was walking under the cloud of why-doesn’t-this-go-faster-for-me even though I’ve lost a teensy bit more weight. Still, I felt defeated. On Saturday I had wanted to quit. Just throw in the towel. Quit having to think so hard about what I eat and why I eat it. And so there I was trying to get ready for church feeling defeated and seeing everything I’m self-conscious about bigger than big. My sweet husband was trying to help me fumble my way out. It was hot and even though I knew it would flatten my hair, I laid down underneath the fan just to feel it brush air across my face.

The Holy Spirit comes in that sweet breeze sometimes and I remembered–He reminded me–that this? Right here? This is not freedom. And that is why I have to keep going. I do not want to settle for the false, lesser freedom that quitting offers. I want a greater freedom: from feeling defeat and worrying about my appearance and not being able to put down that cake. I want all of that. So I will keep going.

I can’t leave my heart behind. I’ve got to deal with that junk, too. And it’s a long journey with years of lies to unearth. I want to keep pace with it.

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Somehow? Even though I hate talking about this whole thing? It ends up that I’m offering a class through the Influence Network tonight  at 9pm EST. I’ve been digging through God’s Word looking for wisdom about how to navigate this crazy world of heart and body and I’m anxious to share what I’ve found. I hope you’ll be there!

And even though I always get the most embarrassing screen captures (Seriously. Why? I’ve even googled it. Am I just destined to awkward captures?), I made a tiny, little preview video.

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Last month my neighbor and I stood over this little knock out rose. We hemmed and hawed. It was scrawny. I don’t know what I’m doing. She does. And so we decided it should move where it would get more sun and generally be happier.

It has filled out and produced more blooms than ever. It’s still a bitty thing but this little plant is growing stronger by the day. All it took was a brighter spot and some good compost.

I wish the process were a bit easier with my heart and body. It’s the same but my own roots seem to hold on a bit stronger than my pinky little rose plant. Last week was a hard week for me, one fraught with comparison and defeatist feelings. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the thought that the only way to get where I want to go is to make my whole life about weight loss. And that is not a possibility.

Tom and I had a few hours alone together on Saturday afternoon and we rumbled around in my maze together, talking through the pangs of comparison and the reality of where I am. I have a deep down knowing that if the heart change doesn’t come first–or at least keep up–it won’t matter where I end up. I won’t have actually gotten anywhere. These heart things are not symptoms, the kind that are easily smoothed with some balm and some good medicine. This basic disbelief is actually the cause.

I don’t believe Christ’s grace covers what I look like. I don’t believe His resurrection power is at work in me. I believe I can do every other thing but this one thing through Him. I don’t believe the very words I wrapped around my little shorty girl last night, that this thing with legs housing my heart IS fearfully and wonderfully made.

I’m not sure how inspiring this is. Or how encouraging. But. It’s true.

Here’s something else true. I enjoyed a fried green tomato BLT this weekend. And it was worth every delicious bite. Every single one.

In other corners of my heart, I am beginning to see that sometimes the mystery of Christ in me is to just do the very little that I can and wait for Him to be bigger in me. Eventually, faithfully–and even when I can’t do a thing, He unfolds beautiful workings in my heart and life. This is grace: this waiting in my imperfect offerings and even a fried green tomato BLT can’t derail me when I trust that He is doing His good and perfect bidding in my heart.

So. Here’s the nitty gritty of where I am. I’ve lost 12 pounds. I’m trying to celebrate that without rushing ahead toward how much farther I want to go.

Here’s my very little part for the next two weeks:

1. Survive the end of the school year without falling face first (mouth open) into a big bowl of brownie batter.
2. Do what I can. Walk the dog for at least 30 minutes every day. And sometimes? Run if I can unsaddle it from weight! loss!.
3. Go to bed earlier.
4. Get in front of my emotions by making more margin in my life.

That’s 542 words about me. You’ll share now?

It’s Wednesday and that means it’s time to talk Whole Ladies again. Jessi’s got a post up today, too, so be sure to head over there.

Somehow here I am with another video. It’s probably because y’all were so nice. But. Let’s just acknowledge one thing: I get the most awkward screen captures ever. This week’s video is a little longer.

New Project 7 from ellen parker on Vimeo.

You can read more about Whole30 right here. Read my other posts right here.

This week we really, really enjoyed Venison Butternut Squash Chili, Berry Breakfast Sausage and Carrot Souffle. I’m too lazy to dig up pictures.

Ok. You’re turn. Smiley face.