commence cringing.

rootsandthingsYou guys leave the best comments. I want you to know that. The last time I posted about this journey of mine, I was so touched by how you took up arms with me. Every time I sat down to respond it was time to go to another end of the school year function. But. I want you to know how thankful I am for you.

Did you know that I hate to talk about this subject? I H.A.T.E. it There are lots of reasons but mostly it’s because I’m afraid of what you think of me. Maybe you think it’s about time. Maybe you think I’ll always fail. Maybe you think I’m not working hard enough.

Yesterday morning was a hard heart morning. I was walking under the cloud of why-doesn’t-this-go-faster-for-me even though I’ve lost a teensy bit more weight. Still, I felt defeated. On Saturday I had wanted to quit. Just throw in the towel. Quit having to think so hard about what I eat and why I eat it. And so there I was trying to get ready for church feeling defeated and seeing everything I’m self-conscious about bigger than big. My sweet husband was trying to help me fumble my way out. It was hot and even though I knew it would flatten my hair, I laid down underneath the fan just to feel it brush air across my face.

The Holy Spirit comes in that sweet breeze sometimes and I remembered–He reminded me–that this? Right here? This is not freedom. And that is why I have to keep going. I do not want to settle for the false, lesser freedom that quitting offers. I want a greater freedom: from feeling defeat and worrying about my appearance and not being able to put down that cake. I want all of that. So I will keep going.

I can’t leave my heart behind. I’ve got to deal with that junk, too. And it’s a long journey with years of lies to unearth. I want to keep pace with it.

__________________

Somehow? Even though I hate talking about this whole thing? It ends up that I’m offering a class through the Influence Network tonight Β at 9pm EST. I’ve been digging through God’s Word looking for wisdom about how to navigate this crazy world of heart and body and I’m anxious to share what I’ve found. I hope you’ll be there!

And even though I always get the most embarrassing screen captures (Seriously. Why? I’ve even googled it. Am I just destined to awkward captures?), I made a tiny, little preview video.

.

About these ads

8 thoughts on “commence cringing.

  1. I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for your honesty. I am still doing Whole30 but the “treats” are becoming more of a habit and less of an exception and I just feel on the brink of defeat. I am so spurred on by your posts on body & spirit issues, so please keep them coming. I never would have done Whole30 without your encouragement (well, I didn’t even know about it until you blogged about it), and your comment to me while I was in the initial 30 days that I could “totally do this” gave me a boost to keep going. So, YOU can totally do this, and what’s more, you ARE doing this. I am soooo appreciative of these posts and you!

    • i’m super grateful for you, you know? and i feel like everyday i am on the brink of defeat but then i think about having greater freedom and i say, “ok. just one more day.” thank you so much for your encouragement!

  2. I love this Ellen and I love your sweet, honest transparency. Vulnerability, when fully surrendered to the Lord’s calling, is amazingly beautiful AND so are you! I feel ya and I get ya because I too am walking this road sister…This rough road of untangling God’s truth from my twisted and distorted perception. I am praying for you! Thank you for this encouragement!

  3. ellen. i wish i would have read this post sooner, but i suppose i was meant to read it now. i completed my first whole30 in january. it was a good experience and i learned a lot. but. for a driven perfectionist like me, with food and body issues, it turned into a “diet,” a dogma i couldn’t escape. i felt guilty if i had pizza, even though i rarely have pizza. every meal time turned into THE FOOD DECISION. it was making me miserable. i stumbled upon go kaleo and her blog and facebook page have really helped me put things in perspective. and with a lot of reflection and prayer, i really feel like i’ve turned a page. last night i went to the grocery store and said to myself, “girl, buy whatever you feel like eating.” and i thought maybe i would buy some ice cream, some bread, some peanut butter. and as it turns out, none of those things actually sounded that good. and that felt like FREEDOM! when i can have whatever i want, without restriction – it turns out i really don’t want anything that crazy! and if i do, i ‘ll eat it, enjoy it and move on. a work in progress, but progress no less. and it turns out that this freedom makes me want to move. taking a walk is a joy because i can do it, but i don’t have to.

    anyway, sorry for the novel. i just wanted to let you know that i hear you. i’m right where you are. and you’re okay. you will be okay. you were made for so much more than this. and you’re beautiful just the way you are. xo

    • oh, megan!

      thank you for sharing. yes. i’m in the midst of trying to figure out how to be healthy without making my life and everyone else’s about joy stealing absolutes.

      can’t wait to check out go kaleo!

      thank you for this gift of encouragement!

      e

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s