You guys leave the best comments. I want you to know that. The last time I posted about this journey of mine, I was so touched by how you took up arms with me. Every time I sat down to respond it was time to go to another end of the school year function. But. I want you to know how thankful I am for you.
Did you know that I hate to talk about this subject? I H.A.T.E. it There are lots of reasons but mostly it’s because I’m afraid of what you think of me. Maybe you think it’s about time. Maybe you think I’ll always fail. Maybe you think I’m not working hard enough.
Yesterday morning was a hard heart morning. I was walking under the cloud of why-doesn’t-this-go-faster-for-me even though I’ve lost a teensy bit more weight. Still, I felt defeated. On Saturday I had wanted to quit. Just throw in the towel. Quit having to think so hard about what I eat and why I eat it. And so there I was trying to get ready for church feeling defeated and seeing everything I’m self-conscious about bigger than big. My sweet husband was trying to help me fumble my way out. It was hot and even though I knew it would flatten my hair, I laid down underneath the fan just to feel it brush air across my face.
The Holy Spirit comes in that sweet breeze sometimes and I remembered–He reminded me–that this? Right here? This is not freedom. And that is why I have to keep going. I do not want to settle for the false, lesser freedom that quitting offers. I want a greater freedom: from feeling defeat and worrying about my appearance and not being able to put down that cake. I want all of that. So I will keep going.
I can’t leave my heart behind. I’ve got to deal with that junk, too. And it’s a long journey with years of lies to unearth. I want to keep pace with it.
Somehow? Even though I hate talking about this whole thing? It ends up that I’m offering a class through the Influence Network tonight at 9pm EST. I’ve been digging through God’s Word looking for wisdom about how to navigate this crazy world of heart and body and I’m anxious to share what I’ve found. I hope you’ll be there!
And even though I always get the most embarrassing screen captures (Seriously. Why? I’ve even googled it. Am I just destined to awkward captures?), I made a tiny, little preview video.