Last month my neighbor and I stood over this little knock out rose. We hemmed and hawed. It was scrawny. I don’t know what I’m doing. She does. And so we decided it should move where it would get more sun and generally be happier.
It has filled out and produced more blooms than ever. It’s still a bitty thing but this little plant is growing stronger by the day. All it took was a brighter spot and some good compost.
I wish the process were a bit easier with my heart and body. It’s the same but my own roots seem to hold on a bit stronger than my pinky little rose plant. Last week was a hard week for me, one fraught with comparison and defeatist feelings. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the thought that the only way to get where I want to go is to make my whole life about weight loss. And that is not a possibility.
Tom and I had a few hours alone together on Saturday afternoon and we rumbled around in my maze together, talking through the pangs of comparison and the reality of where I am. I have a deep down knowing that if the heart change doesn’t come first–or at least keep up–it won’t matter where I end up. I won’t have actually gotten anywhere. These heart things are not symptoms, the kind that are easily smoothed with some balm and some good medicine. This basic disbelief is actually the cause.
I don’t believe Christ’s grace covers what I look like. I don’t believe His resurrection power is at work in me. I believe I can do every other thing but this one thing through Him. I don’t believe the very words I wrapped around my little shorty girl last night, that this thing with legs housing my heart IS fearfully and wonderfully made.
I’m not sure how inspiring this is. Or how encouraging. But. It’s true.
Here’s something else true. I enjoyed a fried green tomato BLT this weekend. And it was worth every delicious bite. Every single one.
In other corners of my heart, I am beginning to see that sometimes the mystery of Christ in me is to just do the very little that I can and wait for Him to be bigger in me. Eventually, faithfully–and even when I can’t do a thing, He unfolds beautiful workings in my heart and life. This is grace: this waiting in my imperfect offerings and even a fried green tomato BLT can’t derail me when I trust that He is doing His good and perfect bidding in my heart.
So. Here’s the nitty gritty of where I am. I’ve lost 12 pounds. I’m trying to celebrate that without rushing ahead toward how much farther I want to go.
Here’s my very little part for the next two weeks:
- Survive the end of the school year without falling face first (mouth open) into a big bowl of brownie batter.
- Do what I can. Walk the dog for at least 30 minutes every day. And sometimes? Run if I can unsaddle it from weight! loss!.
- Go to bed earlier.
- Get in front of my emotions by making more margin in my life.
That’s 542 words about me. You’ll share now?